I’ve always been a nonfiction writer. I love to toy with emotions, scenes, settings, all the tiny intricate underlying tones and textures within a story that really help the page come to life. I love it. Yet, I find myself continually driven away from my creative writing with the recent change of events politically, economically and so on. Constantly squabbling in debt, worry and anxiety over the current state of our Nations. I mean that collectively and literally. After much consideration, I’ve decided to redirect my creative focus into myself for the sake of sanity and awareness. Subjectively not many people (yet, fingers crossed, butt clenched) follow or interact with my content. So if you have interacted with me, hello, welcome back. If not, I’m glad you decided to join the party, it’s about to get real.
I’ve spent the last year drowning myself in experiences to gain perspective and understanding. Understanding to the fucked up, jacked up things that happen in this world. I’ve found myself sleepless over close encounters, poverty, mental illness and disease. I’ve washed a lot of my creative value down the drain with nonsensical events or disasters that are well out of my control. Now, I am a “Gen Z” (in my 20’s) white woman from a small town community tucked neatly in northeastern Ohio. I’ve attended three college’s in the last two years with an “honorary associate degree” according to credits taken and passed. Making sure to spend a year and some months in Music Education and then nursing, before settling for an incredible music and movement therapy focused career. I’ll also mention that I have a few specific certifications attained and maintained over the past three years. (My CNA/ STNA, substitute teaching license and even a fancy little “Barista” certificate.) I know, it’s not marvelous. In fact I’ve only dipped my toe into the ocean of careers/ education routes possible. Which has cost me an arm and a leg, I surely hope all the experience was worth it. Anyways, I just wanted to be perfectly clear about my level of education. Simply because I will continue to produce material pertaining to these politically charged topics, and I would love for my readers to know my specific encounters and revelations as a citizen of the United States. (Plus offer the little credibility I have with my given $ circumstances.) The voice of your average “Joe” looks to make a difference. Also, let it be known that the most valuable lessons I’ve experienced didn’t happen in college or high school, but on the job, in the real world. (Surprise, surprise.)
I’ve spent the last three summers in a row teaching and teching with multiple bands/ band camps. Something of a side quest, experience driven hobby that has always paid for textbooks. I started with a full year’s worth of classroom management experience teaching 6th grade band and high school marching band my first year out of high school. Yes, high school. All while attending college full-time at my local state campus. I bet that tells you how small my home town is, huh? Don’t get me wrong, I was young, barely 18. I was taking care of students who used to be my peers in a classroom that had previously been mine as a student not even three months prior. Not to mention, the cooperating director was sexually harassing students and dumping his job on a vulnerable 18 year old girl who was passionate about music and didn’t want to see her band fail. There were many moments during that year where I was completely in over my head. I was drowning in mistakes and misconduct with my voice ignored and completely silenced until the very end of the year. You know, because it costs less to fire the pedophile at the end of the year, instead of having to pay two teachers for one job. I had absolutely no idea how to fix systematic injustice and unfairness. Legitimately. Even multiple parent concerns and first hand accounts weren’t enough. As the investigation continued, I was lied to, lied about, misled, never taken seriously. All while absolutely busting my ass for a district that had given up. Ultimately coming down to a community built on flamingo door mats, status quo themes and money hungry wolves. If you can hypothesize what all that means.
Anywho, let’s keep pushing with what else is on my resume. I want to give my readers context, especially considering the genre change I’m about to embark on regarding my writing. Right now, I’m 20 years old and finally settling into a new permanent career. I’ve been incredibly lucky to find the “perfect job”. That’s right folks, I am a full-time paid, with benefits teacher! Now the context and title of my job are broad, but the significance of my position is so excellent and valuable. To make it short and sweet, I teach in multiple K-12 school districts in my local community as a third party vendor, teaching a weekly structured music and movement therapy program. I don’t want to be too revealing about location or specifics. Let’s just say the requirements of the job are educational, healing and hands-on. This journey has allowed me to gain so much perspective and experience as a young educator and human. Especially, considering being a teacher has always been at the top of my options list when it came to careers. Directly next to “established and published author and journalist”. I find it awkward every now and again to accept that I’ve achieved bits and pieces of each of those dreams separately over the last couple of years. You know? I think they call it imposter syndrome.
Back to what I was getting to, the thesis, if you will… I have only been unsuccessful with career driven decisions when I was excessively vulnerable, or naive. Take into account what my very first teaching experiences involved. Truly, a great example of the perfect opportunity for someone disgusting and scummy to think they can get away with something disgusting and scummy. (For lack of better words, not worth rewording.) I would say I’m over it, but I can’t help having a bitter taste in my mouth for the adults I used to trust. The adults that run and enforce outdated policies that do not protect their students properly from sexualization and down right assault. I have learned to move on, hoping to grow into adulthood and my career with better sense, empathy and morals than predecessors I used to idolize. Pushing me directly into my music and movement therapy driven career. A career that completely revolves around healing and progress. Two words I strive to say I’ve accomplished everyday. Everyday I heal a little, make a little progress. Maybe it’s itty bitty, maybe it’s a mile wide move. Either way, I get to be paid to grow and adapt constantly, which luckily is one of my strongest personality traits. Thriving on change and dynamic.
Continuing the conversation, I don’t want to completely bash anyone specifically. There is no growth in that. Nonetheless, many of my negative experiences as an adult (especially a young woman) have come straight down to policies and procedures that have harmful effects. Ultimately leading to victim blaming, vulnerability and often, plain excuses for vulgar behavior. What makes me the most sick is there might even be a few people who read this and think of the closest school they recently saw on the news regarding a teacher, sexual assault or misconduct and wonder, “Is this the school?” Maybe, but probably not. This guy walked away mostly unscathed and went on to teach at a different, small town band, nestled in the thick of some more unjust political tyranny.
Regardless, I’m focusing on that specific encounter for dramatic effect, again hinting at our main concept. The Fear of Vulnerability. We are all vulnerable to higher political figures and systems that we rely on to keep us safe, secure and well. Unfortunately, reliability comes with vulnerability, and opportunity to be taken advantage of, misguided and even brainwashed. Vulnerability is the part of my soul that wants to take every human I encounter as peaceful or a source I can trust. Always before ever really knowing or evaluating the true intentions of that person’s existence in my life. Same can be said for jobs, schools, classroom environments, trying to find the right bank, broker, lawyer and so on. Whatever outside sources can wiggle themselves into destruction and greed, how it all affects us, you and me. That’s the re-brand. We’re only getting started by discussing small town behaviors and recognizable psychological manipulation patterns used to validate destruction, crime and abusive behavior. Hush, hush policies that are dehumanizing and completely silencing. My goal is to bring awareness and subject permanence to the forefront of your mind as a reader and customer, if you will. First hand, real experiences and topics for us to chit, chat about. There’s no sense in continuing to brush corporate America under the rug. We’re all suffering. Your children are suffering in our schools, parents in the workforce, families living in squalor despite three or more incomes, exorbitant gas prices, healthcare, continued education, cars built to break down, roads built for you to wreck, citizens forced into greedy, last resort behaviors. We need awareness to support change, to make something out of a corrupt world. Even if it is only little by little.
photo credit: The Room of Knowledge by AlphaSystem
